November 16, 2003

The United States According To My Racist Aunt by Todd Levin

Posted by tomo at 05:55 PM in humor . | 6 Comments

This is from the fourth and Fall issue of Heeb, The New Jew Review. I found this map of the States to be so funny I had to pirate it so you could all see for yourself and then go out and by a copy because stealing is wrong. Just remember: the Midwest is where the nice people live and in the South the KLAN WILL KILL YOU HERE.

Full image

[Top left]

    My racist aunt once famously remarked, "I'm not prejudiced, I just prefer whites." As an experiment, I placed a map of the United States in front of her, and asked her to tell me what she made of it. She was given full license to free-associate and, in response to her own request, was even permitted to re-divide the map as she saw fit. The following is the result of our work together.

[Bottom right]

    FOOTNOTES: * It was requested that these states be removed from the map altogether because, according to my racist aunt, they were simply "too confusing, all bunched together like that." She pointed out that, even added together (in size) they didn't equal Pennsylvania. When I asked her to reconsider, as it would help me with my experiment, she rubbed her eyes very hard, sighed, and fell off her chair. I helped her up and, in the interest of time and science, acquiesced to her wishes.

 

Comments

My great-grandma once chastised my parents for letting me eat with my left hand! What the hell do you call that kind of discrimination?

Posted by: jt at November 17, 2003 1:49 AM

Eh, who needs Idaho. Did you know that Idaho is the only state with a completely made up name? It's not named after a person, place or action. Wierd. (PS-Colorado is a good place for a summer trip, but don't tell anybody it's a secret.)

Posted by: SteamboatSpringsNative at November 17, 2003 2:05 AM

Jt, maybe your great-grandma still wiped her butt with her hand!

Good trivia on the Idaho naming scheme. Although I think all names and words are basically made up at some point.

Posted by: agent1073 at November 17, 2003 10:45 PM

never thought of that tomo. maybe she was protecting me. I miss her. She loved the cincy reds.

Posted by: jt at November 17, 2003 10:48 PM

Your grandmother^2 really loved you, jt.. sharing 12.5% of your dna and all.

Posted by: agent1073 at November 18, 2003 2:12 AM

so theres still a little piece of her in me. I was wondering where these saggy breasts came from.

Posted by: jt at November 18, 2003 10:42 AM